Friday, November 24, 2006
{ 10:33 AM }
Ted Lawrence awakened from a deep sleep.What was that noise? He could have sworn he just heard music coming from somewhere. But that was impossible. He was alone in the house.There it was again, coming from outside the bedroom door. Familiar music that he couldn't place. It certainly wasn't coming from his stereo since there wasn't anything remotely like it in his extensive collection of cassettes and compact discs. He preferred rock but this was something else entirely.Suddenly, there was an outburst of laughter as if a big party was in full swing downstairs. Loud voices and hoots echoed off the walls as the volume increased.He clutched the sheets in fear, hauling them over his head to try to block out the noise coming from the empty house. Could he be dreaming? Was this all a figment of an overworked imagination?No sooner had he asked himself these questions when the bedroom door flew open, embedding the knob in the freshly painted wall. He nearly jumped out of the sheets, and his skin, at the same time. Jesus, what was that? His heart seemed to be looking for the easiest path out ofhis chest.''Who's there?" he asked timidly No answer. The racket continued unabated downstairs.I've got to be flipping out, he thought. Maybe a nervous breakdown.That had to be it. The house was empty and he was alone. But the music continued nonetheless. Um-pum-pum, um-pum-pum.Trembling, he inched his way out of bed and moved toward the door.Laughter erupted as he crossed the floor. He whipped his head around to make sure no one was behind him. Downstairs, accordions and drumsblasted an incessant beat into his terrified brain as he edged outinto the hallway.Nothing. No lights, no flickering shadows. He had to be losing hismind.That damn beat, repetitious and boring. An odd beat with the accenton the last half. Most unusual.He felt his way to the top of the stairs, not daring to turn on anylights for fear he might see something he really didn't want toconfront. He peered into the darkness. Still as death, he thought,and quickly wiped the unfortunate choice of metaphor from his mind.He made his way quietly down the stairs and reached for the switch.As his fingers searched, something cold and slimy clamped itself over his hand. He reeled back in horror as something laughed in his ear.Then something glowing flashed in front of his face and flew up thestairs. A cold, thin tendril wrapped around his ankles and slithered up his leg.He was cemented to the floor. His eyes were wide with terror as the laughter and the music reached ear-splitting levels. Then it dawned on him. Of course. He had been so stupid. He should have stayed in bed, maybe then he would have had a chance.But now it was too late. A scream erupted from his tortured lips as he slipped to the floor.Um-pum-pum, um-pum-pum. That damn beat. It was pounding mercilessly into his very soul. He watched in dread fascination as one of his feet began to jerk back and forth in time to the music. They were inside his body now. He tried to form the word but could barely move his lips.Polka-geist!
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Monday, November 20, 2006
{ 11:00 AM }
Husband & Wife - Come Home Late A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him. "Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill ."
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Husband & Wife - Why divorce?In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want todivorce my husband." "But why ?" asked the judge. She replied, "Because heis not faithful to me." The judge asked, "How do you know ?" She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him ."
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Husband & Wife - Love Your Enemy From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy." "Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now ."
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Husband & Wife - Wedding Ring At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? " The other replied, " Yes I am, I married the wrong man. "
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Husband & Wife - Why ?" Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. " Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, " Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax .."
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Husband & Wife - Same Service A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking." "Why complain?" said the counselor. " You're still getting the same service !"
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Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him ?"
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Husband & Wife - Love To Do A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her everytime they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to." Replied the husband. " But I don't know her well enough .."
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Husband & Wife - No Answer BackA man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her" One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?" The man replied, " I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.
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Husband & Wife - Problem Father"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied,"I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. " What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.
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Sunday, November 19, 2006
{ 9:57 AM }
The Gallaghers, a couple from Minneapolis, decided to go to Floridaduring the icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel wherethey spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.Both husband and wife had hectic schedules and it was difficult tocoordinate their travel schedules. The husband left Minnesota andflew to Florida on Thursday while his wife planned to fly down theday after.Mr. Gallagher checked into the hotel and decided to send an email tohis wife. But in typing he accidentally left out one letter in heremail address. Without realizing his error, he sent the email.Meanwhile, in Houston, the widow Gallager returned home from herhusband's funeral. He had been a minister of many years, called hometo glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to checkher email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Afterreading the first message, she fainted.The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,and saw the computer screen which read:To: My Loving WifeSubject: I've ArrivedDate: October 23, 2006I know you're surprised to hear from me. It's amazing.They have computers here now and you can send emails to loved ones.I've just arrived and have been checked in.Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.Looking forward to seeing you then!Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.Love,HarryP.S. Sure is hot down here!
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Friday, November 17, 2006
{ 11:44 PM }
1. Each pronoun should agree with their antecedent.
2. Between you and I, pronoun case is important.
3. A writer must be sure to avoid using sexist pronouns in his writing.
4. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
5. Don't be a person whom people realize confuses who and whom.
6. Never use no double negatives.
7. Never use a preposition to end a sentence with. That is somethingup with which your readers will not put.
8. When writing, participles must not be dangled.
9. Be careful to never, under any circumstances, split infinitives.
10. Hopefully, you won't float your adverbs.
11. A writer must not shift your point of view.
12. Lay down and die before using a transitive verb without an object.
13. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
14. The passive voice should be avoided.
15. About sentence fragments.
16. Don't verb nouns.
17. In letters themes reports and ad copy use commas to separateitems in a series.
18. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.
19. "Don't overuse 'quotation marks.'"
20. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (if the truth betold) superfluous.
21. Contractions won't, don't, and can't help your writing voice.
22. Don't write run-on sentences they are hard to read.
23. Don't forget to use end punctuation
24. Its important to use apostrophe's in the right places
.25. Don't abbrev.
26. Don't overuse exclamation marks! ! !
27. Resist Unnecessary Capitalization.
28. Avoid mispellings.
9. Check to see if you any words out.
30. One-word sentences? Never.
31. Avoid annoying, affected, and awkward alliteration, always.
32. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
33. The bottom line is to bag trendy locutions that sound flaky.
34. By observing the distinctions between adjectives and adverbs,you will treat your readers real good.
35. Parallel structure will help you in writing more effectivesentences and to express yourself more gracefully.
36. In my own personal opinion at this point of time, I think thatauthors, when they are writing, should not get into the habit ofmaking use of too many unnecessary words that they don't really need.
37. Foreign words and phrases are the reader's bete noire and arenot apropos.
38. Who needs rhetorical questions?
39. Always go in search for the correct idiom.
40. Do not cast statements in the negative form.
41. And don't start sentences with conjunctions.
42. Avoid mixed metaphors. They will kindle a flood of confusion inyour readers.
43. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
44. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
45. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
46. Be more or less specific.
47. If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times,exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement, which isalways best.
48. Never use a big word when you can utilize a diminutive word.
49. Profanity sucks.
50. Last but not least, even if you have to bend over backward,avoid cliches like the plague.
Labels: information
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
{ 7:40 PM }
Walking to work one day, a lady passes a pet shop where a parrot issitting on a perch outside. The parrot takes one look at her andsays: "Awwwwwk! Hey! You are one one fat ugly bitch!" Well, you canimagine her reaction. She turns and storms away.Coming home from work that day, she passes the parrot, who instantlyrecognizes her. "Awwwwwk!" it says. "Hey! You are one fat uglybitch!" She absolutely cannot believe this, but she controls hertemper and heads home.The next day, same thing- but twice as loud. "Awwwwwk! Hey! You areone fat ugly bitch!" the parrot says. Other pedestrians stop in shock and stare at the woman, who is mortified.Unable to take it any more, she throws open the door to the pet store, charges up to the manager, and threatens to sue the store and kill the bird if he doesn't get the parrot to cut it out. The manager apologizes profusely and promises to have a talk with the bird.The next day, she is walking to work when she sees the bird in its usual spot. "Awwwwwk!" it says. "Hey lady!"She pauses and scowls at the bird and yells: "What!?!"The bird smiles and winks at her. "You know."
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Monday, November 13, 2006
{ 9:19 PM }
I had prepared for it like any intelligent woman would.I went on a starvation diet the day before, knowing that all theextra weight would just melt off in 24-hours, leaving me with mysleek, trim, high-school- girl body. The last many years of carefulcellulite collection would just be gone with a snap of a finger.I knew if I didn't eat a morsel on Friday, that I could probably fitinto my senior formal on Saturday.Trotting up to the attic, I pulled the gown out of the garment bag,carried it lovingly downstairs, ran my hand over the fabric, and hungit on the door.I stripped naked, looked in the mirror, sighed, and thought, "Well,okay, maybe if I shift it all to the back..." bodies never havepockets where you need them.Bravely, I took the gown off the hanger, unzipped the shimmering dress and stepped gingerly into it. I struggled, twisted, turned, and pulled and I got the formal all the way up to my knees... before the zipper gave out.I was disappointed. I wanted to wear that dress with those silverplatform sandals again and dance the night away.Okay, one set back was not going to spoil my mood for this affair.No way!Rolling the dress into a ball and tossing it into the corner, I turned to Plan B. The black velvet caftan.I gathered up all the goodies that I had purchased at the drugstore; the scented shower gel; the body building, and highlighting shampoo & conditioner, and the split-end killer and shine enhancer.Soon my hair would look like that girl's in the Pantene ads.Then the makeup -- the under eye "ain't no lines here" firming cream, the all-day face-lifting gravity -fighting moisturizer with wrinkle filler spackle; the all day "kiss me till my lips bleed, and see if this gloss will come off" lipstick, the bronzing face powder for that special glow...But first, the roll-on facial hair remover. I could feel the wrinkles shuddering in fear.OK - time to get ready...I jumped into the steaming shower, soaped, lathered, rinsed, shaved,tweezed, buffed, scrubbed, and scoured my body to a tingling pink. I plastered my freshly scrubbed face with the anti-wrinkle, gravity fighting, "your face will look like a baby's butt" face cream. I set my hair on the hot rollers. I felt wonderful. Ready to take on theworld.Or in this instance, my underwear.With the towel firmly wrapped around my glistening body, I pulledout the black lace, tummy-tucking, cellulite-pushing, ham hock-rounding girdle, and the matching "lifting those bosoms like they' refilled with helium" bra. I greased my body with the scented body lotion and began the plunge. I pulled, stretched, tugged, hiked,folded, tucked, twisted, shimmied, hopped, pushed, wiggled, snapped,shook, caterpillar crawled, and kicked. Sweat poured off my forehead but I was done. And it didn't look bad.So I rested.A well deserved rest, too. The girdle was on my body. Bounce a quarter off my behind? It was tighter than a trampoline. Can you say,"Rubber baby buggy bumper butt?"Okay, so I had to take baby steps, and walk sideways, and I couldn't move from my butt cheeks to my knees. But I was firm!Oh no...I had to go to the bathroom. And there wasn't a snap crotch.From now on, undies gotta have a snap crotch. I was ready to rip it open and re-stitch the crotch with Velcro, but the pain factor from past experiments was still fresh in my mind.I quickly side stepped to the bathroom.An hour later, I had answered nature's call and repeated the struggle into the girdle. I was ready for the bra. I remembered what the sales lady said to do. I could see her glossed lips mouthing, "Donot fasten the bra in the front, and twist it around. Put the bra on the way it should be worn ---straps over the shoulders. Then bend over and gently place both breasts inside the cups."Easy if you have four hands. But, with confidence, I put my arms into the holsters, bent over and pulled the bra down...but the boobs weren't cooperating. I'd no sooner tuck one in a cup, and while placing the other, the first would slip out.I needed a strategy. I bounced up, and down a few times, tried to dribble them in with short bunny hops, but that didn't work.So, while bent over, I began rocking gently back and forth on my heel and toes and I set 'em to swinging. Finally, on the fourth swing, pause, and lift, I captured the gliding glands.Quickly fastening the back of the bra, I stood up for examination.Back straight, slightly arched, I turned and faced the mirror,turning front, and then sideways.I smiled. Yes, Houston, we have lift up! My breasts were high, firm and there was cleavage!I was happy until I tried to look down. I had a chin rest. And I couldn't see my feet. I still had to put on my panty-hose, and shoes.Oh... why did I buy heels with buckles?Then I had to pee again.I put on my sweats, fixed myself a drink, ordered pizza, and skipped the reunion.
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Sunday, November 12, 2006
{ 8:41 PM }
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?""No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the madame."Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked."The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.At the second one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?""No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the madame."If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked again."The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house.""And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he questioned."The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.""That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night.""I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame while gesturing to a grotesque woman in her seventies in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
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Thursday, November 09, 2006
{ 10:29 PM }
I had been planning this for almost a year.I had two tickets to the Rolling Stones concert at The Pond. I had slept overnight at the box-office and tickets were sold out in the first hour. I was one of the few at our school who were lucky enough to get a pair of tickets. And they had cost a full month's allowance.It was my first date with Karen, the head cheerleader and the most popular girl at the school. I have had a crush on her since the sixth grade.Dad gave me the keys to his new Catera. He had never allowed me to drive it before. Nothing could go wrong. This would be the perfect evening and hopefully the start of a long relationship.When I was about to leave, my mother called me. She had just received a frantic call from my older sister, Linda. Her car had stalled on the freeway and she was late for work.I would have to go pick her up, take her to work, and then see that her car was towed to the nearest garage. I would have to cancel my date.I immediately refused telling her it was impossible for me to do that.My mother was irate. "Don't you have any sense of responsibility, "she asked."It's not that," I answered. "I just can't be a brother and assist her, too."
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{ 10:50 AM }
dun tink ii am jz anyone for euu to force miie to do wadever euu lyk..euu force miie euu wna knw the outcome..ii wun believe euu le..no matter wad euu do.jz get out of my life..!!thr's no explaination for tis kinda tings..wad's thr stil to explain..?ii
HATE euu!!..=((..
Labels: memories
Monday, November 06, 2006
{ 11:13 PM }
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and over fifty for Miss America?
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"
And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Labels: reads
{ 7:50 PM }
A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him."I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?""All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"God said"When I made the woman she had to be special.I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world,yet gentle enough to give comfort.I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed.""You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."
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